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dumpsville

Analyze This (sort of): The Allman Brothers

Welcome to another version of Analyze This. Normally, when I do these posts, I analyze a once-popular song line by line to show the absurdity of it. In this version, I’m only going to look at one line from “Ramblin’ Man” by The Allman Brothers Band. I have heard this song countless times – and I think it’s a great song – but this post occurred to me as we listened to the copy of Brothers and Sisters that my four-year-old son got for Christmas (yes, you read that correctly).

“When it’s time for leavin’, I hope you’ll understand that I was born a ramblin’ man.” I realize that ramblin’ is a popular theme in music (Hank Williams sang about it long before the Allmans), so it’s not unique. But here’s the thing: when did this approach ever work on anyone? Just think about what he’s saying there. “Baby, I’m splittin’. No hard feelings, it’s just how I am.” I know that the 70s were a different time, but what woman would have ever been OK with that? Think about what would happen if you laid that line on your ol’ lady. You’d probably be lucky to come away from that with just a concussion from the blunt object she launched at your head. More likely, you’d end up driving yourself to the emergency room with a steak knife stuck between your ribs. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible that a woman would go along with this and give the dude his walking papers. However, I have to imagine that if any woman ever did go along with it, she would probably be more likely to say “Good riddance!” than, “Yeah, you’re a rambler. I get it. Go ahead.” Seriously, if it were that easy to leave a woman, I imagine lots of guys would take out the trash, hop in the car, go somewhere far away and then send a postcard saying, “Hey baby. In case you haven’t noticed, I left. It’s just my wandering spirit. Hope you’re not mad.”

 

 

Analyze This: Bicycle Race by Queen

It’s been a while since our last edition of Analyze This. If you haven’t caught it before, this is a recurring column in which I take the lyrics of a once-popular song and add parenthetical comments throughout.

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle (That’s nice. Good for your body and for the environment.)
I want to ride my bicycle (You mentioned that.)
I want to ride my bike (I get it.)
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say black I say white (So…apparently you want to ride your bicycle and argue.)
You say bark I say bite (Wait. When did this become a word-association exercise?)
You say shark I say hey man
Jaws was never my scene (Nobody said anything about a shark, but OK.)
And I don’t like Star Wars (Ummmm, thanks for that Mr. Random.)
You say Rolls I say Royce (Was this song a free-writing exercise in a college classroom?)
You say God give me a choice (Like listening to this nonsense or not.)
You say Lord I say Christ
I don’t believe in Peter Pan (Well, believing in a jar of peanut butter would be pretty silly.)
Frankenstein or Superman
All I wanna do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle (I gotta be honest. I kind of forgot this is where the whole thing started.)
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle (Seriously, dude. I get it.)
I want to ride my
Bicycle races are coming your way
So forget all your duties oh yeah! (I can forget all my duties because bicycle races are coming my way? I’m sure my boss will love that.)
Fat bottomed girls they’ll be riding today (OK, so maybe there’s something to watching chicks with big bootys ride bicycles.)
So look out for those beauties oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
Bicycle bicycle bicy
I want to ride my bicycle
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
Bicycle race

You say coke I say caine (Ahhh, now this discussion is starting to make a little more sense.)
You say John I say Wayne (Well, who doesn’t like The Duke?)
Hot dog I say cool it man (Huh?)
I don’t wanna be the President of America (That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said so far.)
You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please (Cartier might be more affordable if you weren’t spending money on cocaine.)
Income tax I say Jesus (Jesus pays your income tax? Sweet! Can you give me his number?)
I don’t wanna be a candidate
For Vietnam or Watergate (Riding a bicycle is much more fun than war or political scandal.)
Cos all I want to do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike (I understood the first dozen times you told me.)
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like (Maybe you could ride it to rehab…or at least a writing seminar where you can learn to be coherent.)

Analyze This: Hey Jealousy by Gin Blossoms

Welcome back to our blog. We hope you’ve dearly missed our keen insights and boss music recommendations. For those of you who are just joining us, Analyze This is a recurring column where I take lyrics of a once-popular song and interject parenthetical comments. In this edition, I take a look at the catchy early-90s song “Hey Jealousy” by Gin Blossoms.

Tell me do you think it’d be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving (Pretty sound reasoning…for a drunk.)
And anyway I’ve got no place to go (Yeah, that whole new girlfriend thing didn’t really work out, did it?)
And you know it might not be that bad (You are just talking about sleeping here, right? Oh, and by the way, “It might not be that bad?” Great sales pitch.)
You were the best I’d ever had (Damn straight.)
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone (It took you years to figure this out? Very perceptive.)

Tomorrow we can drive around this town (Ambitious.)
And let the cops chase us around (OK, so far your arguments are that it might not be that bad and we can let the cops chase us around. You’ll have to pardon me for not falling all over myself.)
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place (Like a jail cell after the cops get done chasing us around)…hey jealousy (I’m sorry. Did you just call me jealousy? Another good way to try to win me back.)

And you can trust me not to think (Don’t I know it?)
And not to sleep around (Comforting.)
If you don’t expect too much from me
You might not be let down (I’m not sure my expectations for you could be any lower and I’m still pretty sure you’d let me down.)
Cause all I really want is to be with you (Because you won’t sleep around.)
Feeling like I matter too (Like when I made you dinner every night?)
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you (I wouldn’t bet on it.)

Tell me do you think it’d be all right
If I could just crash here tonight (Maybe I could put an inflatable mattress on the lawn for you.)
You can see I’m in no shape for driving (Or running more than 40 yards.)
And anyway I’ve got no place to go (Well, you are a musician…without a girlfriend.)
And you know it might not be that bad (Right. It would probably be awful.)
You were the best I’d ever had (Duh!)
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone (Although you probably would.)

Hey jealousy
She took my heart (And your keys, you lush.)
Well there’s only one thing I couldn’t start (That would be your car…because I hid your keys until you’re sober enough to get out of my driveway.)

Analyze this: Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths

It’s time once again for Analyze this. If you’re just joining us, this is where your humble narrator interjects his own parenthetical responses into a once-popular song. In this edition, I look at “Girlfriend in a Coma” by The Smiths.

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious (You figured that out all by yourself, did you?)
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s really serious (This just in. Yes, comas are really serious.)

There were times when I could
Have murdered her (I’m sorry?)
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her (You mean, aside from the murder you’ve envisioned?)

No, I don’t want to see her. (Actually, nobody asked.)

Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (I can’t rule it out.)
Do you really think
She’ll pull through?  (Are you asking me to put odds on it? Do you have a bet going with your friends?)
Do… (Ummm…nice sentence. Very brief. Can we get more of those from you?)

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious (Boy, is this your first day on earth or something? I’m about ready to slap the taste out of your mouth.)
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye (Ummmm, why did you ask if she’ll pull through if you’ve already decided to say your goodbye?)

There were times when I could
Have strangled her (I’m sure that feeling was mutual.)
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her (Riiiiiight!)
Would you please let me see her? (Only if a cop cuffs you and stands right next to you.)

Hey pal, are those flowers for your girlfriend in a coma?

Hey pal, are those flowers for your girlfriend in a coma?

Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (Son, I think I already answered this question. Heck, you did too. You know, when you said goodbye to your baby…about a minute ago.)
Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (You listen as well as my wife.)
Do… (Again, great sentence. You’re very well-spoken.)
Let me whisper my last goodbyes (Let me guess…you’re going to whisper your last goodbyes with a pillow over her face? I don’t think so, pal. Maybe you could write your last goodbyes on a napkin or something and I’ll make sure she gets it.) 

I know it’s serious.

Analyze this: “Fly” by Sugar Ray

What are you blathering about?

What are you blathering about?

It’s time once again for Analyze This. No, it’s not the Deniro movie. It’s where I take a (once) popular song and analyze the meaning of it by interjecting my own parenthetical thoughts. In this edition, I break down “Fly” By Sugar Ray.

All around the world statues crumble for me (Ummm, dude if statues crumble when you’re around, you might want to mix in a salad.)

Who knows how long I’ve loved you (What does this have to do with statues? And if anyone should have some vague idea of how long you’ve loved someone, I’d think it’s you.)

Everywhere I go people stop and they see / twenty-five years old / my mother god rest her soul. (Everywhere you go, people see that you’re 25 years old? What does your mother have to do with this?)

I just wanna fly / put your arms around me baby (Did something shiny come into the room when you were writing this?)

Dance a little stranger (You mean like Mac on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphiawith the elbows?)

Show me where you’ve been (Like I’m supposed to take pictures of every place I go during the day?)

Love can make you hostage / wanna do it again (Most people who are hostages would rather not do it again.)

There’s no time to think about the starting or the end (Is it possible for you to string together two related thoughts?)

We’ll find out I’m told / my mother she told me so (Find out what? What on earth you’re blathering about?)

I just wanna fly (The window’s right there.)

Put your arms around me baby (Hmmmm no!)

 

Analyze this: “Glycerine” by Bush

That’s right, loyal reader, it’s time for another edition of Analyze This, in which your humble narrator breaks down a popular song (or at least was popular at one time). In this edition, I play the role of the subject of this song and break down “Glycerine” by Bush by interjecting my parenthetical comments.

It must be your skin I’m sinking in (Are you saying I’m fat?)

It must be for real cuz now I can feel (Have you been doped up and numb the entire time I’ve known you?)

I didn’t mind / it’s not my kind / it’s not my time to wonder why (Huh?)

Everything’s gone white / everything’s gray (What are you tripping on?)

now you’re here / now you’re away (Yes, it’s called a job. I go there in the morning. I return in the evening.)

I don’t want this (What? The Thai food?)

Remember that / I’ll never forget where you’re at. (Yes. That job thing I just mentioned.)

Don’t let the days go by

Could have been easier on you / I couldn’t change though I wanted to (Ah yes. The excuse of miscreants everywhere.)

Could have been easier by three: our old friend fear, and you, and me. (Huh?)

Glycerine (What’s my soap got to do with any of this?)

I’m never alone / I’m alone all the time (Which is it?)

Are you at one / or do you lie (Do I lie about being at one? With what?)

We live in a wheel (No, it’s a flat.)

Where everyone steals (Did you find my cash again?)

And when we rise it’s like strawberry fields. (Sorry, but when we rise, your morning breath is not like strawberry fields.)

I treated you bad / you bruised my face (There ought to be a lesson in that.)

Couldn’t love you more / you got a beautiful taste (My taste? That’s the thing you love about me?)

Don’t let the days go by (Yes, you mentioned that.)

Bad moon white again (The f— are you talking about?)

As she falls around me (Who’s this drunk chick that’s falling around you?)

I needed you more when you wanted us less (Typical.)

I could not kiss just regress (Have another beer, dude.)

It might just be clear, simple, and plain / that’s just fine / that’s just one of my names (What’s one of your names? Regress? Clear? Simple? Plain? Those are pretty odd names.)

Don’t let the days go by / could have been easier on you (All right. I’m outta here.)

Glycerine (And leave my soap alone! Freak!)