Tag Archives: Girlfriend in a Coma

Analyze this: Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths

It’s time once again for Analyze this. If you’re just joining us, this is where your humble narrator interjects his own parenthetical responses into a once-popular song. In this edition, I look at “Girlfriend in a Coma” by The Smiths.

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious (You figured that out all by yourself, did you?)
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s really serious (This just in. Yes, comas are really serious.)

There were times when I could
Have murdered her (I’m sorry?)
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her (You mean, aside from the murder you’ve envisioned?)

No, I don’t want to see her. (Actually, nobody asked.)

Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (I can’t rule it out.)
Do you really think
She’ll pull through?  (Are you asking me to put odds on it? Do you have a bet going with your friends?)
Do… (Ummm…nice sentence. Very brief. Can we get more of those from you?)

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious (Boy, is this your first day on earth or something? I’m about ready to slap the taste out of your mouth.)
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye (Ummmm, why did you ask if she’ll pull through if you’ve already decided to say your goodbye?)

There were times when I could
Have strangled her (I’m sure that feeling was mutual.)
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her (Riiiiiight!)
Would you please let me see her? (Only if a cop cuffs you and stands right next to you.)

Hey pal, are those flowers for your girlfriend in a coma?

Hey pal, are those flowers for your girlfriend in a coma?

Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (Son, I think I already answered this question. Heck, you did too. You know, when you said goodbye to your baby…about a minute ago.)
Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (You listen as well as my wife.)
Do… (Again, great sentence. You’re very well-spoken.)
Let me whisper my last goodbyes (Let me guess…you’re going to whisper your last goodbyes with a pillow over her face? I don’t think so, pal. Maybe you could write your last goodbyes on a napkin or something and I’ll make sure she gets it.) 

I know it’s serious.

What do you get for that person you don’t like? The Smiths Complete.

If you get this from me, it’s not because I think the world of you.

While browsing the internet earlier today, an ad flashed on my screen announcing The Smiths Complete. OK, so this box set was actually released last year, but it was still news to me. (As anything about the band would be.)

On further research, I found that the title of this collection is explanatory. It includes all eight albums by The Smiths remastered by Johnny Marr. Eight CDs? How many hours is that? Never mind that question. I think a better question is “Just how much moping can a listener take?” In my life, I have probably heard eight songs by The Smiths and that is more than enough to last me a lifetime. The only song of The Smiths that I can get behind is Mojo Nixon’s version of “Girlfriend in a Coma,” in which Mojo declares, “Hey Morrissey! Kiss my big, hairy butt.” Indeed.

Yes, I know a lot of people love The Smiths. I am not one of them. This band depresses the stuffing out of me. Seriously, have you ever felt like flying to wherever Morrissey lives, putting your arm around him and telling him, “Man, it’s not that bad. Why don’t you cheer up a little bit?” OK, so maybe I never really pictured myself with my arm around Moz’s shoulders, but the sentiment remains.

No doubt the ad for this box set popped up because Christmas is right around the corner. However, at $151 for the CDs, it’s not really the sort of gift you’ll buy for just anyone. That being said, this collection would be worth every penny if I had someone in my life that I didn’t want there anymore and showed that person by giving him or her The Smiths Complete.