Tag Archives: Morrissey

Analyze this: Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths

It’s time once again for Analyze this. If you’re just joining us, this is where your humble narrator interjects his own parenthetical responses into a once-popular song. In this edition, I look at “Girlfriend in a Coma” by The Smiths.

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious (You figured that out all by yourself, did you?)
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s really serious (This just in. Yes, comas are really serious.)

There were times when I could
Have murdered her (I’m sorry?)
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her (You mean, aside from the murder you’ve envisioned?)

No, I don’t want to see her. (Actually, nobody asked.)

Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (I can’t rule it out.)
Do you really think
She’ll pull through?  (Are you asking me to put odds on it? Do you have a bet going with your friends?)
Do… (Ummm…nice sentence. Very brief. Can we get more of those from you?)

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious (Boy, is this your first day on earth or something? I’m about ready to slap the taste out of your mouth.)
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye (Ummmm, why did you ask if she’ll pull through if you’ve already decided to say your goodbye?)

There were times when I could
Have strangled her (I’m sure that feeling was mutual.)
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her (Riiiiiight!)
Would you please let me see her? (Only if a cop cuffs you and stands right next to you.)

Hey pal, are those flowers for your girlfriend in a coma?

Hey pal, are those flowers for your girlfriend in a coma?

Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (Son, I think I already answered this question. Heck, you did too. You know, when you said goodbye to your baby…about a minute ago.)
Do you really think
She’ll pull through? (You listen as well as my wife.)
Do… (Again, great sentence. You’re very well-spoken.)
Let me whisper my last goodbyes (Let me guess…you’re going to whisper your last goodbyes with a pillow over her face? I don’t think so, pal. Maybe you could write your last goodbyes on a napkin or something and I’ll make sure she gets it.) 

I know it’s serious.

5 songs to never play on the jukebox

Yes, I know, loyal reader. Who am I to say what songs should never be played on a jukebox? Granted there are a lot of songs I would never play on a jukebox…like any electronic dance music song. I’m not even talking about that. Here’s the thing. A jukebox is generally in a place where people want to feel good and there are some songs that are sure to bring down the mood of the place. That is why these songs should never be played on a jukebox.

  • “Creep” by Radiohead – There is a time and place for everything. The time for this song is 1993 when you’re a college freshman and your fourth girlfriend of the year has just broken up with you.
  • Anything by Morrissey or The Smiths – I’m pretty sure no explanation is necessary here. People want to reach for a drink at a bar, not a razor blade.
  • “True” by Spandau Ballet – The fact that I have to explain this one is mind-boggling. And, yes, I have been in a place where someone played this song on the jukebox. More than once. My question is: what are you trying to accomplish if you play this on the jukebox? Are you going to start dancing awkwardly with another patron like you’re back at you’re junior high school dance in 1983?
  • “A Day in the Life” by The Beatles – Yes, I know just about everybody loves The Beatles. But seriously, if you’re going to play The Fab Four, play something that doesn’t make people want to drown themselves.
  • “Hurt” by Johnny Cash – I know this is a cover song. Still, while I love Johnny Cash tunes as much as the next guy, the only reason to play this song on a jukebox is if you are tending bar and you want to clear the place at last call. The only problem is that guys might break their beer bottles and cut themselves before they head to the door.

Loyal reader, that is enough to get you started. Certainly you have your own songs that should never be played on a jukebox. Let us know what song you would remove from the jukebox if you could.

Mopey Christmas: a Morrissey Christmas album (proposed)

After reading yesterday’s post about The Smiths Complete box set, one loyal reader posed the question “Is there a Morrissey Christmas album?” That got me to thinking what a Morrissey Christmas album might look like. Here are some proposed tracks for Morrissey’s Christmas album, starting with six proposed by loyal reader Bob Brower who posed the question in the first place.

  • Hark the Herald Angels Weep
  • The Little Hum-Drummer Boy
  • Rudolph, the Withdrawn Reindeer
  • Sulking In A Whimper Wonderland
  • O, Little Frown Of Bethlehem
  • Silent Plight
  • Santa’s in a Coma
  • Winter Lonelyland
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (How Come No One Wants to Kiss Me?)
  • O Maudlin Night
  • God, Arrest these Merry Gentlemen!
  • Grief to the World
  • Sobby the Snowman
  • 12 Dreads of Christmas

Oh, and Morrissey…you’re welcome.

What do you get for that person you don’t like? The Smiths Complete.

If you get this from me, it’s not because I think the world of you.

While browsing the internet earlier today, an ad flashed on my screen announcing The Smiths Complete. OK, so this box set was actually released last year, but it was still news to me. (As anything about the band would be.)

On further research, I found that the title of this collection is explanatory. It includes all eight albums by The Smiths remastered by Johnny Marr. Eight CDs? How many hours is that? Never mind that question. I think a better question is “Just how much moping can a listener take?” In my life, I have probably heard eight songs by The Smiths and that is more than enough to last me a lifetime. The only song of The Smiths that I can get behind is Mojo Nixon’s version of “Girlfriend in a Coma,” in which Mojo declares, “Hey Morrissey! Kiss my big, hairy butt.” Indeed.

Yes, I know a lot of people love The Smiths. I am not one of them. This band depresses the stuffing out of me. Seriously, have you ever felt like flying to wherever Morrissey lives, putting your arm around him and telling him, “Man, it’s not that bad. Why don’t you cheer up a little bit?” OK, so maybe I never really pictured myself with my arm around Moz’s shoulders, but the sentiment remains.

No doubt the ad for this box set popped up because Christmas is right around the corner. However, at $151 for the CDs, it’s not really the sort of gift you’ll buy for just anyone. That being said, this collection would be worth every penny if I had someone in my life that I didn’t want there anymore and showed that person by giving him or her The Smiths Complete.

Music and drinking: some of our favorite things

This post is inspired by loyal reader Albert Alvarado who asked, “Why is music such a good drinking buddy?

Drinking because you’re feeling bad? Morrissey can always make you feel worse.

I can think of several reasons why music (whether live or on the jukebox) and drinking go so well together. First, both have the ability to make you feel better. If you are seeing a band you really like, you’re going to have a good time regardless. But let’s face it, having a good beer while you check out your favorite band makes the experience even better. Conversely, if you’re drinking because you’re depressed, you can find something on the jukebox (you know, like Morrissey) to match your mood.

Another reason music and drinking go so well together is because, well…music and drinking go so well together. What do I mean? Just look through your collection and count how many songs are about drinking. Then take those songs and make a playlist of drinking songs. What’s that? You need some suggestions to get you started? OK, here you go.

That doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of drinking songs, but it will give you a good base for a playlist.

Best buds or total strangers?

Finally, let’s think about one more reason why music and drinking are virtually inseparable. What does alcohol do? It makes you shed your inhibitions. Maybe you ordinarily wouldn’t sing, especially in a room full of strangers. But if you’ve had a couple beverages and you hear a great song come on the jukebox, you might find yourself with your arm around the person next to you singing along like the song is your own. Let’s face it. That (probably) doesn’t happen if alcohol is not involved. Neither would karaoke.

5 bands I never need to hear again

Yes, I’m talking to you, Pink Floyd and Dave Matthews Band

You might think that this is a list of horrible bands that nobody would rather hear again. That is not the case. These aren’t even necessarily bands that I truly dislike. They are, however, bands I need not hear again. Let me put it another way. My quality of life would not suffer in the least if I never heard these bands again. And I’m not even going to include The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Coldplay, or any Morrissey project because those are givens.

  • Pink Floyd – Quite possibly a surprise entry right off the bat. I have to say that it’s not that I dislike this band. I recognize the guys in the band are talented. It’s just that the music of Pink Floyd puts me to sleep. If I ever suffer from insomnia, this will be my number two option. (A baseball game puts me to sleep faster than Pink Floyd.)
  • Wings – If you can tell me the point of Wings (aside from Paul McCartney making money after The Beatles broke up) I’d be happy to listen. Mind you, I’m not saying I’ll take the band off the list, but I will hear your case.
  • Steely Dan – Again, I realize these are talented guys. It’s not my fault that they made boring music for people who ride elevators to jobs that they hate.
  • Dave Matthews Band – Do I need to explain this? Dave Matthews writes songs for frat boys and the sorority girls who love them. I couldn’t tell you the difference between any two of this band’s songs and in addition to sounding similar, they are all similarly boring.
  • The Police – Yes seriously. I would not be bothered at all if you told me I had to live in a world without Sting.

What about you, loyal reader? In a comment, post the five bands (or solo artists) you could easily live without.